The Mother of All Lessons

Earlier this month, our eldest son married a wonderful woman. It was a beautiful, intimate celebration, and I couldn’t be happier for them. But getting to that happy place required real letting go on my part.

Initially, I was hurt that I wasn’t more involved in the planning. As our son observed early on, this was the first major family event that I hadn’t personally managed. At times, I felt left out. Not in charge. Not needed. Not good.

It took me time to understand that our “kids” knew what they wanted: something that they would plan and host themselves. Somewhere along the way, I realized that the wedding wasn’t a gift from us to them, it was a gift from this young couple to their parents and friends. What a gift it turned out to be.

Stepping back from the wedding didn’t dimmish my role in our son’s life; it allowed me to experience a new dimension of that relationship. I wasn’t less of a mom because I wasn’t managing the details. I had the opportunity to simply be his mom, celebrate alongside him and his wife, and appreciate the life they are building together.

Here are a few important things I was reminded of along the way:

Letting go can give us a different kind of connection. By resisting the urge to inject my opinions and preferences into their decisions (mostly!), I was able to stay connected to them and share in their excitement rather than focus on how I thought things should be done. Without responsibility for the logistics, I had more time and space to connect with family and friends before, during, and after the wedding. Instead of feeling left out, I felt more relaxed and joyful. And I loved it.

Values are a great compass. Our son and his wife made choices based on what matters to them, from the guest list to the budget to the atmosphere they wanted to create. They were intentional about the celebration they desired and the people they wanted to share it with. Their lives. Their choices.

When we give our children room to lead, we may discover strengths we haven’t fully appreciated.  Watching our son and his wife gave me a greater appreciation for their ability to establish priorities, make thoughtful decisions, and create something truly reflective of who they are as a couple. I know I can be a lot. And I might inadvertently have taken away some of that opportunity had I been more involved. I was reminded that sometimes, giving our children room to lead allows us to see them in a new light.

This is where my experience became about much more than a wedding for me.

As the mother of Andrew, our 30-year-old son with profound disabilities, I’ve spent much of my parenting life anticipating needs, solving problems, advocating, and making sure things happen. Much of that has been necessary. When your child depends on you like this, taking charge becomes second nature.

But Andrew now wants more agency in his life. And just as I had to trust that his brother and new sister-in-law could plan and host their wedding, I’m working on trusting Andrew to make more decisions for himself. I want to be mindful of the times when stepping back a little might give Andrew more room to do so.

That doesn't mean abandoning him or pretending he doesn't need help. It means looking for opportunities to let him try, make choices I might not make, and to occasionally misstep. It means becoming more comfortable with uncertainty. After all, many missteps can be worked through, and learning to navigate them is part of building a life of one's own.

I write about this in my book, Embracing Another Normal, but living through this wedding brought the lesson home in a powerful way.

Letting go doesn’t have to mean caring less. It can mean making more room for the people we love to grow -- and accepting that we can remain deeply important in our children's lives without being the ones making everything happen.

I'm so grateful to our newlyweds for the beautiful celebration—and for the unexpected gift of these lessons. I know I won't always get letting go right the first time. Different children and different circumstances will bring new challenges, and I have plenty more to learn.

For me, resilience means continuing to do just that: adjusting my approach and trying to recognize when it’s time to back off, step up, or step aside.

I don’t expect to get that balance right every time. But this wedding reminded me that sometimes, loosening my grip can open the door to a different kind of connection – and help me appreciate the remarkable people our children continue to become.